the tide of immigration, a parliamentary sketch

In the House yesterday the Leader of the Opposition, the Rt Hon Eric Millipede (Lab) demanded to know what the Government were doing to stop the tide of illegal immigration into the UK. Specifically he was referring to the invasion over the last 8 weeks or so of several billion water droplets from other, unspecified nations. “Could this tide of water not have been prevented?”  he wailed, “Was the Prime Minister not aware that his distant relatives, and other creepy crawlies, all of whom were loyal British insect life regardless of where they had come from, were at first risk of drowning? Was he not aware of the plight of short people like himself who would surely drown before taller people like the Prime Minister?” he continued in such vein for several minutes before returning to his seat having taken a final swipe at jeering Tory back benchers, claiming that they were safe enough on the higher seats opposite.

Rising to reply the Prime Minister, the Rt Hon Derek Camouflage (Con) wished to point out that the mass influx of water droplets was necessary to redress the appalling insular policies of previous Labour governments, citing several years of drought and hosepipe bans that had blighted almost every summer of their time in office. “Never once did your predecessors consider the consequences of their isolationist policies for the UK and their closure of our borders to water droplets seeking to come to Britain, not to sponge from us, or to be a drain on this country, but to make an honest contribution to our way of life and our economy”. At this the house lost sight of him, but whether he had evaporated or simply, as his name suggests, merged into the background of faceless blue suits was not clear.

However, he had gone from the despatch box and next from the coalition front bench rose the Deputy PM, Rick Whatsisname (LibDem), who wished to add that his party had voluntarily sacrificed large areas of the south west that traditionally voted for them to accommodate much of the tide of water immigrants. “You must be aware, for your own media agency, the BBC, have reported this widely” he proclaimed proudly.

He was followed by his colleague, the Rt Hon Vick Hawser (LibDem) “I wish to put on record that I do not support any of this government’s actions in this matter. Whilst I have empathy for all of those suffering I must stick to my principles of agreeing with no-one but myself”.

From the cross back benches rose a very cross General Public (Ind). “The Government have let the people down!” he stormed, “Something must be done: We want compensation not condensation!” The house jeered and cheered, for the voice of General Public is rarely welcome within the hallowed halls.

And so it went on. As the house filed out one long serving member was heard to mourn of the passing of the Iron lady; “She had many faults,” he said sadly, “but at least she knew how to deal with anything wet”.


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