another west country uprising, a parliamentary sketch

Once more, in the traditions of Trevelyan and Monmouth, the West has risen again and sent a tide of protest towards the seat of power in London.

In the wake of visits by the PM, the Right Honourable (matter of opinion) Derek Camouflage (Con) and Lord Silt, in charge of the Environment Agency, to flooded regions of the West Country last week those battered citizens, many of whom have been largely cut off for more than six weeks now, have send massive quantities of water flowing from the Cotswolds and the Berkshire Downs to invade the heart of the country’s power base.

Mr Camouflage has already been amongst the hordes of potential Tory voters to reassure them than all possible will be done for them and more sandbags are raining down than water droplets. Lord Silt has been spotted in the comparative safety of Jeremy Paxman’s studio, that hostile questioning being a safer place for him than on the streets. After his visit to the West Country he was heard to say that he thought civilisation had stopped at Slough, but his driver confided that he is under instructions not to take his master anywhere near the London parks in case he mistakes it for countryside that New Labour missed in their efforts to concrete it over.

Even the Leader of the Opposition, the Right Honourable (oh no he isn’t) Eric Millipede is planning a visit to some flooded part of the home counties. “People think that Labour’s heartland is Islington” he cried, “but we recognise that there is a traditional Labour stronghold in the Thames Valley and the Stockbroker Belt, especially amongst the legal profession who have grown wealthy from Labour’s new laws and criminalisation of trivial activity. We must do all we can to protect them and show that this government is failing them”. Nothing to do with old Silty being one of yours then Eric?

In the House all parties loudly condemned the actions of the West Country in sending floods towards London. The PM said “You only have to look at the weather charts to see where all of this water is coming from; it is from the south west! Just because we have done nothing for them for weeks they assault us with their problem”. Rising opposite the Creepy One agreed; “Whilst this is obviously the fault of the benches opposite, the actions of a minorit” amidst gasps of horror from the benches behind him he paused, consulted his notes and, somewhat flustered, raised his voice to continue above the muttering “the actions of a small group of people, who are in fact part of a majority (a few ironic cheers) in threatening others is nothing short of criminal” he squeaked, and then demanded; “What is the Government going to do to put down the rebellion in the west, or is he too scared because his own constituency is on the fringe of it?”

The responses were mere platitudes as is always the case at times like this. True the Army are bing sent in, but unlike the days of Trevelyan and Monmouth there would be no civil conflict, no hanging, drawing or quartering for that very house had put such remedies beyond their own reach. No, they all knew, regardless of their self-interested posturing, that in time it would all blow over, the tide of protest would recede and levels of passion would resume lower levels.

And so it went on, with every question a carefully staged piece of self-promotion. From the cross benches General Public (Ind) waved furiously but the Speaker (Married to Sillicow) studiously ignored him. Who in power really wants to hear from the public at times like this? As one time server was heard to observe as the Members filed out; “Old Gordy had it right old boy, bloody public are all bigots at times like this”.

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