Category Archives: fun stuff

Fun with words and situations you find in everyday life. Not intended to be taken seriously.

by | November 14, 2010 · 4:03 pm

Police helicopter to move – more fun with the media?

“Police helipcopter to move” screams the headline on the placard!

Goodness gracious! What could this mean? Has it been on static display outside Police HQ all of these years? Have they finally found the budget for enough fuel to fly it? Are they going to take it away on a truck?

The thing has been in regular movement since they got it. It has been flying around where I live for years, so has the local rag only just got wind of this or could it be another example of sloppy standards in journalism?

The latter of course. Yes, I know roughly what they mean in that there are ongoing issues about the shared service with Wiltshire NHS, but why should I have to interpret a simple headline? Surely accuracy would be better? “New base for Police helicopter”, for example, says it all.

Please stop dumbing down. We need better standards if we are to get this country back on its feet. The media are in the front line along with teachers and, first and foremost, parents.

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by | October 1, 2010 · 2:53 pm

the joys of shopping #11 – or am I being heightist?

There I am, down on all fours, rooting through the garments on the bottom shelf hunting for a colour and size that will work for me.

“May I help you sir?” chimes a voice from above. I look up to find an assistant (associate for my US friends) looming over me.

I rise to my feet as gracefully as I can (for those who haven’t met me I am 6 foot 3 and weigh around 300lbs). “Yes” I tell her, “you can tell me why you put the sizes for big guys like me on the floor and the stuff for dwarves and midgets (OK, I didn’t use those terms) on the top shelf here at eye level for me?”.

Telling me that all their stores are laid out like this is no excuse. I know that they are, and so are all of their competitors, but why? Just because one store does soemthing dumb doesn’t make it right.

I’ve seen the same thing with double height racks for sports jackets: They start top left with the short stuff, move through standard lengths to the end and back down onto the lower rail, then the long fittings are at the bottom on the right. Maybe I should sue one of these stores for the strain on my body? That might get things changed.

Seriously retailers; get some sense into this. If you must use shelves and double height rails, put the stuff for big blokes like me up top and that for the vertically challenged down low where they can get at it with ease.

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by | September 29, 2010 · 12:20 pm

What really goes on in the cockpit(?)

The cockpit of a modern airliner is a pretty cramped place. 32000 feet above Ireland Captain Jason Wirth and First Officer Barbara Lopez sat surrounded by controls and instrument panels as they occupied, respectively, the left and right hand seats. In their crisp white shirts and aviator shades they appeared model professionals monitoring progress while the flight computers took their Boeing 777 from Heathrow to Chicago. Behind them, separated by the obligatory post 9/11 secure door, nearly 300 passengers and crew had settled in over the hour or so that had passed since take off.
Looking through his side window Wirth remarked “Irish coast coming up. It’s about time”. Lopez peered at the weather radar on one of the glass screens before her, its scanner searching the skies for up to 100 miles ahead. She pointed to a brightly coloured patch on the screen. “That looks rough”. Pressing the transmit button she spoke again, her voice calm and clear; “Oceanic control, Amair 492”.
“Amair 492, Oceanic control. Pass message” came the crisp response.
“Amair 492, with you abeam Shannon westbound at flight level 32, anyone reporting chop at this level?” Lopez asked.
“Stand by” then, after a short break “Amair 492, Delta 194 is about 20 minutes ahead of you reporting light to medium chop at level 36. I have no-one at your level”
“Is that what we have on the radar?” asked Wirth. “Sure is” responded Lopez. “OK, ask for change of course and height” nodded Wirth.
Pressing her transmit button again, Lopez spoke “Oceanic, Amair 492. Thanks for the update. Requesting flight level 36 and course change 277”.
“Amair 492, Oceanic. Cleared to climb, flight level 36 and 277”
“Amair 492, three six and two seven seven. Good day.” replied Lopez. She reached across and entered the new data into the flight computer. As the messages passed through the giant aircraft’s systems the GE turbines and ailerons responded, the Boeing’s nose rising and moving slightly right at their command.
“How long? asked Wirth. “17 minutes” replied Lopez.
This time it was Wirth who pressed the transmit button. Back in the cabin Purser Elaine Dickenson picked the phone off the wall as the tone sounded. She spoke a single word “Purser”. “Captain speaking” Wirth told her, “expect light chop in 17 minutes; you’re cleared to serve the meals”

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by | August 27, 2010 · 6:44 am

avast ye swabs; talk like a pirate day 2010

September 19th will be Talk Like a Pirate Day 2010, so avast there and prepare to shiver your timbers, your own timbers that is, shivering someone else’s could get ye keelhauled ye swabs!

Some recommended reading:

Pirattitude!: So You Wannna Be a Pirate?: Here’s How!

Pirate Life, The: Unleashing Your Inner Buccaneer

And ‘ere be the history on this ‘ere fine web site, so read on, scurvy dogs: Pirattitude

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by | August 1, 2010 · 6:38 pm

letters to the editor number 9 – more fun with words

Sir

I write on behalf of all the structures that hold back water and protect those living in low-lying lands such as The Netherlands and the Fens.

Are their feelings to be overlooked by these inappropriate associations with a certain former lady jockey turned TV commentator?

We might urge those concerned in this tiff to get their fingers out and apologise, but digital extraction, too, has inappropriate connotations where our earthen banked friends are concerned. Perhaps the best course of action would be them both to get a life.

Yours faithfully

Dorcan Dyke Appreciation Society

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by | June 27, 2010 · 7:56 pm

leadership, football and why I lost interest in the latter

One of my regular followers of my Monday Musings column has just texted to ask if tomorrow’s effort will cover the England football team’s failures in the World Cup. I said that could offer some thoughts but, as I haven’t watched a ball kicked in this competition, I don’t feel qualified to make any comments.

“You’ve not watched it?” he responded, disbelief reverberating through the his keypad over the ether to my phone. Well no. I last watched a professional game way back in the early 1990s, England v Georgia at Wembley to be as precise, and I haven’t been to a league game since the mid 80s.

I used to love football. I watched, played and refereed for years, but then some idiot said that stadiums had to be all seated, but failed to invoke the death penalty for anyone who failed to remain seated. What is the point of implying that the crowd can’t stand to watch then allow them to do just that? Bloody stupid idea.

The whole pleasure of going to a league match was getting there 45 to 90 minutes before the kick off, staking your claim on a bit of terrace and then being part of the immense jigsaw that would assemble around you until the game was over. Those who’s bladders couldn’t take the strain could take a spot near an exit, but the die hards would stay put for the duration. If it was a big crowd you’d take in turns to breathe.

So the concept of taking away the terraces so that we could all sit down in supposed safety to watch then allowing everyone to stand up anyway just ruined the game for me and I stopped going. Later the cost made it not worth the money anyway and then the ridiculous fad of long shorts made it plain unwatchable for me so TV viewing went down the leg side (to borrow a cricketing expression) as well.

As to the England v Germany result today I understand that we got drubbed after some unconvincing performances in the group matches. As to why, I’m reminded of something that Billie Jean King* (or Moffitt as I really still remember her) once said, along the lines of champions are afraid of losing, the rest are afraid of winning.

Anyone who has played knows the feeling. The ball is coming your way, and you know that, if you catch it just right on the volley, the perfect pass to split the defence is on. Or maybe the goal is there, and the perfect volley will bury the ball in the top corner. But you only have to be a fraction out on that volley and it ain’t going to happen, so you have a choice; go for it, or take the soft option? Champions will always go for it.

I’d like to say that, in my playing days, I never took to soft option, but I did more often than I am proud of. I did learn from that though, and took that lesson into my business life. That would have to be all I can offer on the subject of leadership in this case – accepting responsibility for your own actions and always being prepared to do the hard thing when it comes your way.

(*Talking briefly of tennis, and with Wimbledon under way, I feel another blog coming on about why I haven’t watched that for years either, but that’s another story. Watch this space).

Tomorrows Monday Musings is on customers, and will go out at about 0600 UK time, Monday 28 June.

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by | May 15, 2010 · 12:09 pm

letters to the editor #31 – more fun with words

Sir

When I was younger, if asked to make a decision, people would say it was up to me. Now they would say it is down to me.

At what point did we get this inversion? I think that we should be told.

Yours faithfully
Worried of Wiltshire

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by | May 3, 2010 · 2:02 pm

letters to the editor number 19 – initial thoughts

Sir

My attention has been drawn to the intials PM. Amongst other things, they appear to stand for:

a) Prime Minister
b) Puppet Master
c) Peter Mandelson

Am I alone in thinking that this is no coincidence? I think that we should be told.

Yours faihtfully
Worried of Wiltshire

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by | April 17, 2010 · 8:10 pm

fun with words number 78 – more media mayhem

Sat with the Wokingham Wonder having dinner tonight my reverie was broken by the link announcer on TV telling us that there was to be a programme on the Worst Serial Killers; the ones that were able to kill and kill before finally being tracked down by the police.

What? The worst serial killers? Surely the ones that got away with it enough to become serial killers were the ones that were good at it? On that basis should it not be the Best Serial Killers? The worst ones might not even have managed to kill anyone.

Once again I know what they meant to say, and probably so did pretty much everyone else, so what does it matter? Well, for me, it is yet another example of sloppy speaking which, from the media, is pretty much criminal. The most notorious serial killers would have worked, so why not say that?

As they murder the language with such frequency, will they be featured in the programme?

Oh well. They’ve come with my medication again, I’ll have to go.

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by | April 16, 2010 · 7:46 pm

Thoughts on Natural Disasters (or Acts of God?)

Reading that insurance companies might claim that the volcanic ash incident currently closing UK airspace was an act of God and thus not covered got me thinking of my own experience in trying to phone insurance company helplines.

I pictured something like:
Ring ring, “Welcome to the Acts of God customer service call centre. Your call is important to us, but our operator, whilst omnipotent and omnipresent, is busy right now. Please hold and your call will be answered shortly”
Cue music, then: “Your call is still in a queue. Your call is important to us, but right now we are experiencing a high demand. All calls are recorded on tablets of stone for training purposes”.
More music until just as you start to enjoy it “Your call is still in a queue. If your call is not urgent, you might try our web site at http://www.weknowwhoyouare.com”. Back to the music, but not where you left it.
Then “You may key in your 16 digit account number, followed by the hash key, on your telephone key pad, if you wish to, but we know who you are and what you want, so you don’t have to, but if it makes you feel better and helps pass the time feel free”, and, once again, the music cuts in.
Then a voice interrupts “Yes John, I know you are troubled about me”
Err, well, I’m a bit concerned that you’re not too happy up there? I mean I’ve been chugged down the high street for the victims of the earthquake and the cyclone and now this volcanic eruption has caused my holiday flight to be canceled and the insurance company won’t pay out for my car hire and hotel ‘cos they say it’s an act of God and, well, what can I do?
“John, these are not acts of God, they are a natural disasters, but your insurance company is right; natural disasters are covered in their exclusions. Did I not give you two good eyes to read the small print?”
Well, yes, but the eyes aren’t too good these days .
“And is not self abuse a contributing factor? And were you not warned about this and the consequences?”
Well, maybe you’re right.
“Of course I am right! Now, how may I help you?”
Well I was worried that you were angry or something with all of this trouble around the world, so are we going to have any more acts, I mean natural disasters? I mean what about the general election?
“John, the outcome of the election will not be a natural disaster. It may be a supreme act of folly, but you were not created perfect. I can only hope that you learn from your mistakes and, although you have shown little evidence of being able to do so, I above all must have faith in you to get it right one day. Now, is there anything else I can help you with today?”
Well, no. Thank you.
“You are welcome. You will receive an email within the next 24 hours to give feedback on your experience with our helpline. Goodbye”.

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