letters to the editor – am I bad or good in bed? they can’t all be right

Sir

Am I in some form of late life male crisis? My email inbox suggests that I might be, and possibly even that I am leading a dual life, for I am bombarded by hotel and flight booking confirmations that I know nothing about, letters telling me that my sexual performance is wholly inadequate and that the equipment that I would deploy in said performance is too small and lacking in rigidity, but then there are those letters from ladies, mainly it seems in Moscow, that I have pleasured to such extreme that they want me to come back and rescue them from their dreary and unfulfilled lives without me and my bedroom skills.

What am I to make of all of this? As far as I know I have never been to Moscow, let alone pleasured a reasonable part of the female population there. And if I have, how have I managed it when so many other parts of the world regard my abilities as being so poor and my personal parts so lacking? (How do they know anyway? Should I blame Google for spying on me?).  I have heard that it can be quite cold in Moscow so perhaps the chaps over there suffer from cold day syndrome and the ladies have to put up with what they can get, if you see what I mean?

Is it possible that I am living some form of dual life, and these hotel and flight bookings are where the other me is jetting off on rogering expeditions? I am not aware of having gone missing from the matrimonial home for long enough though, and so think that it is unlikely. Maybe it is a case of identity theft and there is one or more blokes posing as me as they bonk their way around the globe?

At my age I thought that I’d given all that sort of thing up in any case, for this is not the 1970s when society was fairly newly permissive and whilst Jimmy Savile and his ilk were chasing jailbait, the rest of us would simply ask if we could instead meet their mothers (or grannies).

I think that perhaps I have answered my own question. I am who I am and will just continue to delete the swathes of nonsense that appears daily in my email.

Yours faithfully

Wilted of Wiltshire